This is a transcript of the 1903 Broadway script of The Wizard of Oz.
Cultural references along with other notes are in parenthesis and bold linking to Wikipedia articles while song titles are underlined. Some lyrics are available while only the titles are recorded.
Some edits have been made to stage directions for simplification as with some minor grammatical syntax edits for the text in regards to errors.
Act 1[]
At the rise of the curtain farm hands discovered. House servants are busy performing their various duties. One man on a wheat rack, Servants cleaning pans, etc in front of the house. Several girls enter carrying apples. They pelt the man on the wheat stack. Farm wagon with horse enters. Suddenly old man reading paper, rises and points to the approaching cyclone. Connection on part of everyone. They all excitedly and frantically rush off stage. The cyclone effect is worked upon the gauze. The scene then changes. When the lights go up Chorus discovered all dressed in blue and posed about a Maypole. A Maypole dance follows. Then the entrance of the Wicked Witch. She drives them about the stage until someone calls her attention to the approaching cyclone. All rush about wildly. Lights gradually go out. When they go up again, a house similar to the farmhouse of the Kansas Scene is discovered. It is in a dilapidated condition.
Scene I: Descriptive Tableau, showing Kansas Prairie Farm, the cyclone, ascent of the house with Dorothy, and transformation to SCENE II:- The munchkin country - Land of Oz followed by the descent of the house crushing of the wicked witch, etc. DISCOVERED: Chorus of Munchkins.
1st Girl: Here's a catastrophe!
2nd Girl: What a dreadful storm.
3rd Girl: Never in the land of Oz has there been one like it.
4th Girl: I wonder from what unknown country the storm blew this house.
5th Girl: Such a strange dwelling - so different from ours.
6th Girl: The same storm that brought this house has blown half of our home away.
(Noise off stage, shouts, cries, etc. Voice off stage. Reuben's)
Reuben: Bring her along.
8th Girl: What's that?
9th Girl: Somebody under arrest. A strange looking girl.
1st Girl: A witch, perhaps.
2nd Girl: The storm may have been her work.
(Enter Reuben and Simon with Cynthia. Cynthia suggests madness in her costume and make-up.)
Reuben: Here's an enchantress. Do any of you know her?
All: No!
1st Girl (To Cynthia): Who are you, and where do you come from?
Cynthia: My name is Cynthia, and I am a lady lunatic.
(All recoil from her)
2nd Girl: Does the asylum know you are out?
Cynthia: Fear nothing. I am not dangerous.
2nd Girl: Your reason?
Cynthia: I've lost my reason.
1st Girl: She's a sorceress. To the river with her.
Cynthia: That's no way to treat a perfect lady lunatic.
2nd Girl: If you sink we'll believe you.
Cynthia: But I will not sink. I've been taking swimming lessons from a banker.
1st Girl: Swimming lessons from a banker?
Cynthia: Yes he told taught me how to float a loan. (originally "told me")
1st Girl: To the river. (They advance to her. Witch of the North enters and halts them)
Witch (Locasta): Halt! What would you do with this girl?
1st Girl: She's a sorceress, and her spells produced the recent cyclone.
Witch: Then you should thank her on your knees. The storm has made you free.
All: Free?
Witch: It dropped that house upon your cruel tyrant, the Wicked Witch. Her cruel spells and wicked enchantments have caused you endless misery. She hated love and happiness, and while she lived would not permit you to know them. (To Cynthia) If you are a member of the Sorceress' Union show your card.
Cynthia: I haven't one. I have never sorcered. I am only a sweet girl maniac. Listen, and I will tell you my story. (Crowd gather around her) I was once a saleslady in one of our largest department stores.
1st Girl: Ah, yes, I have seen your open face at an opening sale of umbrellas that wouldn't open.
Cynthia: No, I was at the alligator counter in the animal department. I was engaged to a young musician named Niccolo Chopper who played the piccolo.
1st Girl: Poor girl!
Cynthia: He was so generous. As soon as our wedding day was fixed he gave me my alimony in advance.
6th Girl: Where is he now?
Cynthia: The Wicked Witch enchanted him. He never returned.
2nd Girl: How do you hope to find him?
Cynthia: By whistling his favorite tune. No matter what the witch may have made of him, if he hears the tune he will answer.
1st Girl: Did he play it often?
Cynthia: For hours at a time. You can't imagine how he objected to a change of air.
1st Girl: You doubtless learned to love it?
Cynthia: True. And on moonlight nights he would always play it in the vegetable garden back of my semi-Queen Anne suburban boarding house.
Witch of the North exits.
Niccolo's Piccolo
Not with the twinkling lute Sought he to press his suit
Nor with the sighing flute
Came he zum-zumming
Nor on, the gay guitar Under the twilight star, Could he be heard afar
Softly a strumming.
Chorus: But, on the piercing piccolo, my highly gifted Niccolo could charm with much celerity, a melody divine.
Defying fell malaria, He'd execute his aria
With marvelous dexterity, each night at half past nine.
(Whistling chorus) II. Not with a slide trombone, were his soft pleadings blown Lacking were they in tune, blatant and blaring Nor with the violin, sought he, my heart to win Playing that garden in, his love declaring. Chorus same as 1st verse. Cynthia and Chorus, all exeunt at end of whistling refrain. [HANDWRITTEN: Using Piccolos]
Enter Witch of the North and Girl
Witch: (Pointing to a house) Where did you say this house came from?
3rd Girl: From the skies, your highness.
Witch: A strange abode from some unknown land.
(Sir Dashemoff Daily enters hurriedly)
Dash: News! Wonderful news!
3rd Girl: Of whom?
(crowd enters)
Dash: Pastoria, the rightful king of Oz, has returned on the wings of the wind.
3rd Girl: Are you sure of that, Sir Dashemoff?
Dash: The cyclone blew Pastoria home again. Aided by General Riskitt he has started a revolution already.
3rd Girl: Where's Pastoria going to find the money for his revolution?
Dash: He's selling reserved seats for his own coronation.
1st Girl: How came King Pastoria to leave the land of Oz?
Witch: One day, years ago, a balloon brought to the Emerald City a mysterious man from a mysterious place they call the earth.
1st Girl: I've read about it in our children's books.
Witch: The stranger lured Pastoria into the balloon and cut the ropes. It bore Pastoria through the clouds. The stranger remained and, because of his mystic arts, was crowned King of Oz. (she exits)
Dash: If Pastoria gets his throne away from the Wizard of Oz, it will be hard luck for me. I'll have to grind out a new royal anthem.
(Cheers off stage)
1st Girl: Pastoria approaches.
(Crowd retire up stage. Enter TIMOTHY, followed by RISKITT)
Riskitt: Halt! His Majesty would address the army.
(Pastoria enters in motorman's coat and hat. He carries in one hand a large sceptre and a shawl strap. In the other a gilded hat box with crown inside.)
Pastoria: My faithful soldiers. As I gaze upon your faces it gives me great pleasure to know that you all may die for me. (Timothy cheers) Men with faces like yours ought to die for somebody. - and I'm as good an excuse as you'll ever get. (Timothy cheers) When you face the enemy, chanting your battle hymn, -- where's that battle hymn?
Dash: All ready, sire. (Hands him paper)
Pastoria: This ought to make heroes of you all. (Chanting) "When we were children we cried for Pastoria, - When we were young we sighed for Pastoria, - When we grew up we died for Pastoria. - Oria, oria, peerless Pastoria." (Aside) When we were children we cried for Pastoria! Now, wouldn't that wilt the feathers on Maud's new boa! (To Soldiers) You shall restore me to my rights. As for the cheap swindler who has stolen my throne - The Wizard of Oz, --
Riskitt: Where will you find a greater scoundrel, a more contemptible being, than that Wizard of Oz?
Pastoria: Hear! Hear! (A pause.) No, - no! I mean, where? (Crowd snickers, quietly) As for your pay, have no fear. As we approach the capitol I will dispose of reserved seats for my coronation at speculator's rates.
Riskitt: S-sh --! A customer approaches.
(Pastoria and Riskitt quickly produce box office diagrams and bunches of tickets from their pockets as SOPHRONIA and PETER enter, they rush upon them in the manner of ticket speculators.)
Riskitt: Tickets for Pastoria's coronation? (Use sign, "Tickets bought from speculators,etc".)
Pastoria: Two on the center aisle, four rows from the front.
Simon: He's a speculator.
All: Down with him.
(All rush at Pastoria. Enter CYNTHIA, comes down through crowd)
Cynthia: Wait. He may be my long-lost Niccolo.
Pastoria: I'm nobody but the King. For years I ruled the Land of Oz and was the best dressed little king that ever tied a four in hand. The people loved me then, and called me their Tony Pastoria. (a reference to performer Tony Pastor)
Cynthia: I pray thee, play upon this piccolo. (Offering piccolo to Pastoria) The wicked witch may have changed my sweetheart into you; How perfectly awful! (Shudders)
Pastoria: I'm not your sweetheart.
Cynthia: Then prove it by playing "The Carnival of Venice" with variations (a popular folk tune) (Offers piccolo) There was a bum note in the crescendo 10 that Niccolo could never avoid. (Retires up stage)
Pastoria: The idea! Open that box. (Points to hat box. Riskitt opens it.) What's the name in the crown of that crown?
Riskitt: (Looking at crown) Pastoria II. (Hands it to Pastoria)
Pastoria: It was on my head when that confounded balloon carried me away. It fitted me then, and it fits me now. (Puts it on his head triumphantly. Movement of surprise in crowd.)
Cynthia: What's the meaning of that queer costume?
Pastoria: When the cyclone picked me up I was working as a motorman in Kansas.
Cynthia: What's a motorman? (a tram or train operator)
Pastoria: Well, a motorman is a fellow that takes life easy. He's a regular lady killer, and a sort of business agent for the Undertakers' Union. When I reached the earth I had to do something for a living.
Cynthia: Your Majesty had to work? Terrible!
Pastoria: Yes. Your Majesty had to eat. I grew so desperate I decided to stop at nothing, so I became a motorman. It's a merry life, and all day long the jingling of the bells. A fellow- motorman tried to get me to go with him to Michigan and motor there.
Cynthia: Why?
Pastoria: He said the girls were more sociable. He used to sing a beautiful song about one of them.
Cynthia: Was it soulful?
Pastoria: Well, you can judge for yourself.
In Michigan
Pastoria and Chorus: I'm fond of the girls from Tennessee, For they are extremely coy, But there's another girl for me, she's the girl from Illinois. With the damsel fair from gay Delaware I'd giddily coquette. But the girl for me beyond compare, in old Michigan is met.
Chorus: In Michigan, In Michigan, I would that I were rich again. A ticket I'd buy, and away I'd fly To the far-off fields of Michigan. In Michigan, In Michigan, my tent I'd like to pitch again. I've a sweetheart true in Kalamazoo And that's what I've got in Michigan. (the city)
II. The Georgia girl is a perfect peach, The Maine girl takes the bun of the Oregon girl I love to preach for she second stands to none. Oh the Texas girl is a downright pearl, and a dainty dream besides, nut the girl that can give them all a twirl, In old Michigan resides.
Chorus: I've a sweetheart true in Kalamazoo, I've a mother-in-law in Saginaw, etc. (and exit Chorus) (the city)
Cynthia: You are not like my Niccolo, and yet seem to be he. If I could see you make love to someone else -- my Niccolo would never do that in my presence.
Tryxie: (Outside) Pasty! Pasty! Where are you, darling?
Pastoria: You'll have a chance, for here comes my fiancee.
Cynthia: A woman!
Pastoria: Yes. She was a waitress in the railroad station at Topeka. Her name is Tryxie. (the city)
Cynthia: Tryxie?
Pastoria: Yes. We were blown out of Kansas at the same time. When the cyclone struck town I was standing on the front platform of my car and had just yelled, "Hold fast for a sharp curve". As we sailed over the roofs a beautiful girl suddenly shot out of a neighboring cloud and hit my dashboard. She was carrying a plate of beans. She said she was going my way and before the cyclone dropped us through yonder chestnut trees we were engaged.
Tryxie: (Entering and going to Pastoria) Darling, I hope you won't think me gross, but I wish you would take me by the hand and lead me to a large porterhouse steak. (or a T-bone steak)
Pastoria: Girl, the stake that I am fighting for is not a porterhouse. I may be slain. Then what would lovey do if dovey died?
Tryxie: Why lovey would die too.
Pastoria: (With arm around her) Do you remember, I met you as a motorman.
Tryxie: I was struck by you at our first meeting.
Pastoria: You were carrying a book.
Tryxie: Roosevelt's Memoirs. (might be the President's book The Rough Riders)
Pastoria: I ran over them without asking you.
Tryxie: Because you got the bell to go ahead.
Pastoria: Then I went ahead to get the belle.
Tryxie: You couldn't have offered me a palace then.
Pastoria: No. About all you could expect from a street car man is "a little room up front."
Tryxie: What were your prospects then?
Pastoria: Same as the conductors' - only fare.
Tryxie: And yet you loved me then.
Pastoria: I yearned for you.
Tryxie: And you love me now?
Pastoria: With all the heart a motorman is allowed to have.
Tryxie: Pasty, you are just too awful!
Pastoria: To resume -- how much does oo love oosey?
Tryxie: OO's OOsey?
Pastoria: OOS.
Cynthia: Enough. I am convinced. My Niccolo could never hand out such a tart line of wedding march conversation.
Tryxie: Is this a lady detective?
Pastoria: No. This is a lady lunatic.
Cynthia: Yes; mad through with blighted love. Now will I to the vegetable garden where I last saw him. (Taking objects from basket on arm) Here are young spring onions - they're for insomnia; here's celery for remembrance, - and here are March strawberries - for -- a dollar a box! "Oh, he never more will come, And I wonder where he's went. Hey nonney, hey nonney hey!" (Exit a la Ophelia)
Tryxie: Poor thing -how she loved him! Niccolo must have been very handsome.
Pastoria: Yes. I reminded her strongly of him.
Tryxie: But, she is a lunatic. That explains a lot of things.
Pastoria: Tryxie, you see what it is to lose a fond lover. Now suppose, suppose you were to lose me?
Tryxie: Pastoria, you know I never was lucky.
Pastoria: I know. But, what would you do?
Tryxie: Why, someone else, I suppose.
Pastoria: But tell me, what do you think of the country you're to reign over as my queen?
Tryxie: Oh, well enough as far as I've gone. But it was a bad time to leave Kansas.
Pastoria: Why?
Tryxie: Barnum's circus was billed for our town for the 13th, and next to a Boston cream puff I love a circus. (Barnum & Bailey before it merged with Ringling Bros; cream puff)
When the Circus Comes to Town (lyrics not included) (Tryxie and Pastoria exit)
(Enter DOROTHY and IMOGEN the cow)
Dorothy: Well, where am I at? (looks around) Surely, this isn't Kansas? (To Cow) Imogen, we are lost, and we'll never see home again. How poor Father will miss us. (instead of Uncle Henry) (Cow nods) You were the only thing to prove he ran a dairy. Now he won't be able to mix up any more milk until I get back with the key to the plaster of Paris barrel. I wish we could run into another cyclone going the way we came from. (cow weeps) What are you crying for? (cries also) Be brave, like me. Will somebody tell me the way back to Kansas. (looks at house) My! but our house is bent. Well, if the cyclone hasn't blown Carrie Barry's front door right on our porch. (their neighbor) There's her name on the doorplate. Hello! what's this? (Takes folded paper from door and reads it) "To the Princess within." Here's a joke, Imogen. (Cow looks over her shoulder)
Why it's a love song from a perfect stranger. (Resumes reading)
(Enter WITCH of the North and SIR DASHEMOFF DAILY)
Dash: (Pointing to Dorothy) There she is, your Highness.
Witch: Whence comes this maiden?
Dash: I know not. I only know I love her.
Dorothy: (Slapping Cow's nose) Go away, Imogen! Where are your manners! Keep your nose out of my correspondence hereafter.
Witch: Her name?
(Chorus begins to enter)
Dash: Caroline Barry. That's the name on the doorplate of the cottage she arrived in.
Dorothy: (Still reading) How sweet.
Dash: Do you refer to my poor poem?
Dorothy: (Surprised) Did you send me this, sir?
Dash: I did. And may her Highness present me?
Dorothy: If her Highness pleases.
Witch: (to Dorothy) Little girl, this is Sir Dashemoff Daily, our Poet Laureate, And I am Locusta, the Witch of the North.
Dorothy: (Recoiling) A witch?
Witch: Ah, don't be afraid - I'm not one of the black cat and broomstick kind.
Dorothy: Then tell me - am I far from Kansas?
Witch: Kansas? Where is Kansas?
Dorothy: Imogen, do you hear that? She'll ask us next where Topeka is.
Witch: Listen, ye Munchkins; this pretty stranger is under my special protection.
Dash: (To Dorothy) You are a lucky girl.
Witch: In proof of that I will bestow this magic ring upon her. (Puts ring on Dorothy's finger) Whoever wears this ring may have two wishes gratified. (three in original version)
Dorothy: Then I wish Imogen and me back to Kansas? (Pause) What's the matter? Why don't we arrive?
Witch: I'm sorry, but my wishes have no power beyond the land in which they are granted. They can only aid you here. (based on but unlike the Silver Shoes)
Dorothy: But I want to go home. Tell me, what am I to do?
Witch: You must go to the wonderful Wizard of Oz. He alone has the power to transport you across the burning desert. As a member of the Witches' Union I have business elsewhere. When danger threatens, remember your ring. (exits)
Dash: Now Mistress Barry...
Dorothy: I'm not Mistress Barry. I'm Dorothy Gale.
Dash: But, the name on the door?
Dorothy: Oh, that door belongs to the cottage of an old maid who lived just below our farm.
Dash: But I've made my song to Mistress Barry, and if you are not she... (Turns away, disconsolate)
Dorothy: Oh, the song's not wasted. I like it very much. I wish I knew it. How odd -- I DO know it. Why, it's a miracle.
Dash: No, it's the ring. Your first wish has been granted.
Dorothy: We'll see.
Carrie Barry (partial lyrics)
(Dorothy and Chorus, with Dashemoff. During song the Scarecrow is carried on by two farmers and set up at stile)
I dare not call her Caroline, I think of her as Carrie, Her eyes like stars at twilight shine, And they have won this heart of mine. With glances none could parry. And when she smiles a smile divine, With cruelty I task her, The dainty maid knows I'm afraid To bravely up and ask her.
Chorus: Airy, fairy, Carrie Barry, will you marry me I'm as much in love with you as a many 21 can be. Night and day for you alway, I pine, and pine, and pine, Airy, fairy, Carrie Barry, say you will be mine.
II. Though yet untold this love of mine, This love will never vary. I'm longing for some little sign One spoken word, one written line. That I may hope and tarry. For truth it is that I opine, she looks upon me coldly. That's why I fear when she is near To turn and tell her boldly... (part of lyrics missing)
Dorothy: Is that what you think of Carrie Barry?
Dash: That's what I think of Dorothy Gale.
Dorothy: I don't believe it.
Dash: I'll tell you why you must. (Takes her hand as sound of hoofs is heard, off stage, rapidly approaching)
Dorothy: It's a runaway.
Dash: No, it's General Riskitt. (he enters in manner of a flying messenger)
Riskitt: Report to his Majesty at once.
Dash: For what service?
Riskitt: His Majesty is writing a temperance poem and he's stuck for a rhyme to Saraparilla. (exits)
Dash: (To Dorothy) That's what I get for hiring out as a Poet Laureate. Excuse me till I find the rhyme. (exits)
Dorothy: Alone again. Well this is cheerful. Nothing in sight to talk to but this Scarecrow. Well, as queer as he looks, I feel so lonely I wish he were alive. (COW enters and begins biting at Scarecrow's legs)
Scarecrow: Help! Help! (Dorothy screams) Good morning. Is this your cow?
Dorothy: Yes-es.
Scarecrow: Well, if you don't want me to lose a leg, call him off. (Dorothy motions to Cow and Cow exits) Thanks, awfully, for bringing me to life. Isn't this lovely weather for July?
Dorothy: The ring! Another wish wasted.
Scarecrow: Would you mind taking this golf ball out of my ear? (Dorothy goes to Scarecrow and looks for golf ball) My ear is on the other side. (Dorothy removes golf ball and throws it down on stage) That makes me one down.
Dorothy: You seem well posted.
Scarecrow: If I wasn't well posted I couldn't stand up.
Dorothy: I mean, you know what's in fashion.
Scarecrow: For a long time I've been just behind the stile. (Points to stile)
Dorothy: Don't you think you're smart!
Scarecrow: I don't think at all. I haven't any brains.
Dorothy: No brains?
Scarecrow: (Taps head) There is nothing there but a handful of excelsior covered with a dishrag. When the farmer was filling me with straw yesterday he said, "I guess I'll shake him". When I saw the size of his hand I knew it was on me. Then he jabbed this pole into my back and said, "You're stuck". That put me up in the air, where I've been for the last twenty-four hours.
Dorothy: But you're alive now, and how are you going to earn your living without brains?
Scarecrow: I won't be lonely. Will you help me down?
Dorothy: Certainly.
Scarecrow: I'm getting a bad pain in my polar regions, from lack of exercise.
Dorothy: (Helps him down from post) Can't you walk?
Scarecrow: No. But I'll take steps to learn. (Walks awkwardly)
Dorothy: Oh, - but you're a loose character. What's you name?
Scarecrow: Haven't any.
Dorothy: No name? But, you've a family of some sort, haven't you? (cow enters)
Scarecrow: Judging from what I'm stuffed with I am related to Secretary Hay. (unclear how he would about Secretary of State John Hay) How about yourself? Who are you? - where did you drop from? Where are you going, and why do you go there? Tell me all about it, while I see which way the wind blows.
Dorothy: My name is Dorothy, and I am one of the Kansas Gales.
Scarecrow: That accounts for your breezy manner.
Dorothy: When I am at home I live in Kansas. Just now I am lost, and I am going to the Emerald City to ask the wonderful Wizard of Oz to help me.
Scarecrow: What, to get back to Kansas? Dottie, why trifle with your luck?
Dorothy: Behave. You are old enough to know better.
Scarecrow: No, I'm not! I was just born, and it will be three hundred and sixty-four days before I have a birthday. (Cow begins to nibble at Scarecrow's legs)
Dorothy: How long do you think you'll live?
Scarecrow: If I can escape that cow of yours, until I'm used to stuff a summer boarder's mattress. Do you think the Wizard would have a set of brains knocking around his place that would fit me?
Dorothy: He might.
Scarecrow: If I thought he could fix me up I'd go with you.
Dorothy: Come along. Even if he is out of your size you'll be no worse off than you are now. (both start to go)
Scarecrow: We're a nice looking couple. Suppose we're arrested for vagrancy? (or being homeless)
Dorothy: You could give straw bail. Do you know, I can hardly believe that you have no brains? How careless the farmer was to leave them out.
Scarecrow: Wasn't he? I wouldn't treat a dog that way.
Scarecrow's Song
Though I appear a handsome man, I'm only stuffed with straw.
'Tis difficult a man to plan without a single flaw. Though you may think my lovely head A store of law contains
The farmer lack of skill displayed and quite forgot my brains.
When brains are lacking in a head, it's usually the rule, that wisdom from the man has fled and he remains a fool.
So, though my charms are very great, as I am well assured I'll never reach my full estate, 'till brains I have secured.
Chorus:
A-las for the man who has little in his noodle that he knows he's under a man, and is called a rattle 27 pate, wherever he goes.
He always does the very thing he never ought to do he stumbles and he fumbles and is aimless.
A lobster, is he, as anyone with half an eye can see.
You can beat him sneer or jeer for his wheels are out of gear and it's plain he'll remain quite brainless.
SCENE III:- The road through the forest. DASHEMOFF enters, SIR WILEY GYLE enters.
Dash: Are you one of us?
Gyle: No. Are you?
Dash: Would you like to join a revolution?
Gyle: That's my specialty. I'm Sir Wiley Gyle, at your services. Revolutions to order. Kings dethroned while you wait.
Dash: Then join our plot to put Pastoria II on the throne again.
Gyle: What! has that fried oyster returned?
Dash: (Indicating proclamation) There's the Wizard's proclamation against him.
Gyle: (Glancing at proclamation) Help Pastoria? Not I. I'm next in line for that throne, my boy.
Dash: But how are you going to overthrow the wizard?
Gyle: Ever since his balloon landed here the people have been in dread of his magic, and of him. He's made 'em think he has unearthly powers. But, I'll show 'em!
Dash: Going to expose him?
Gyle: Expose him, or blow him up.
Dash: Blow him up - what with?
Gyle: (Showing a small bomb) One of the bargain-sale bombs. - If I can ever get one to work.
Dash: Anything the matter with that one?
Gyle: I'll bet it's no good. They had a bargain sale of infernal machines and bombs at one of our big stores last month; they'd bought out the stock of an anarchist factory. I got a hundred bombs for five ninety-eight, -- and not one of the darned things has worked yet.
Dash: Won't they take 'em back?
Gyle: No. They won't exchange bargains. I'm sure this one is no good, too. (Suddenly throws bomb on stage, it bounces off stage)
Dash: (Frightened) Don't take a chance like that!
Gyle: Every time I throw one of those bombs at the wizard I get arrested for playing baseball in the streets.
Cynthia: (Enters) I beg your pardon. Could you direct me to a small piece of toast?
Gyle: Toast?
Cynthia: Yes, toast. I am a sweet girl maniac, and to-day it is my fancy that I am a poached egg. If I could only find a piece of toast I'd rest myself on it.
Dash: I've heard a young man named Niccolo was the cause of this.
Gyle: Jilted her?
Dash: No. He was turned into somebody else by a witch, and she can't find him.
Cynthia: (Offering piccolo to Gyle) Prithee (or please), play upon this.
Gyle: Listen, girl. Would you know your Niccolo if you met him?
Cynthia: Ah, you're not he, are you?
Gyle: No. But I think I can lead you to him.
Cynthia: Quickly, then.
Gyle: If Niccolo in his new form fails to recognize you, would you still yearn for him?
Cynthia: Aye! More than ever.
Gyle: Listen! your lost lover is here. The witch has turned him into a wizard, - the wizard of Oz, - and he rules the Emerald City. Nobody knows it but me. The wizard don't know it. Go to him when no one is about, and grab and gag him. And when you have got him far away say to him that Sir Wiley put you on. Don't forget -- Sir Wiley. (exits)
Cynthia: Ye Gods! My Nick a wizard! If he should fail to recognize me, and turn me into a sponge cake - what would be my finish? I pray thee, come and plead the cause of crime. A lady lunatic. (exits)
Dash: (Looking for her) Her reason lost because she lost her lover. Would I go mad if I should lose my Dorothy? Perhaps, because I already love her madly. I know that, for I know what love is.
That Is Love (lyrics not included)
(Dashemoff exits, Enter TIMOTHY, followed by RISKITT)
Riskitt: Halt! Your precious monarch will make a final speech before the campaign opens.
Pastoria: (Enters, to Timothy) Before this awful war begins I want you to understand one thing. You are the soldiers of a free and glorious country; if you win victory you will be roasted. If you are defeated you will be roasted also.
Timothy: We understand.
Pastoria: Then you may take my final photograph for the illustrated papers. (Poses as Riskitt points camera at him. Lion is heard roaring off stage, everybody shows alarm)
Riskitt: What is it?
Pastoria: It sounds like dinner time in a menagerie. (an animal exhibit or zoo) (Roaring sounds closer, Riskitt and Timothy rush off) Come back! Come back! you cowards -- come back! (Lions enters, Pastoria turns, sees him and is frightened. Hides behind camera which Lion sees) Lie down, Bruno. Nice lion, good lion, sweet lion, dandelion, lie down. (Lion sits up on haunches and poses) Very well then, sit up, if you prefer. Do you mean that you want your picture taken? (Lion nods) Something nice for the family album? (Lion nods) Well, you can have an appointment next Wednesday afternoon. (tries to leave but Lion is angry) Or, right away, if you prefer it. (Lion resumes pose) Now look pleasant, please. (Lion shakes head) How am I going to make that beast look pleasant? Shall I tell him to watch for the little birdie? No, I have it. Look for the nice little fat boy. (Lion turns head quickly toward Pastoria) No, no! Not here. Right out there. (Lion looks out to audience) That's it. Don't move. (Lion slaps at mosquito on jaw) Mosquitos, bothering you? Yes, there are more than usual this summer. 'Round the corner, in the next jungle there aren't any. Now ready, again. Steady! That will be all, thank you. How do you like your photos done, - plenty of gloss, or domestic finish? (Lion nods) All right. We'll do them both ways. You needn't call for the proof, I'll send them. (Lion waves paw and knocks camera over and exits. Pastoria collapsed, and prostrate Riskitt enters, cautiously behind as they discover and startle each other)
Riskitt: Is your Majesty alone?
Pastoria: Where is my army?
Riskitt: He's in the top of the tallest tree, and he won't come down.
Pastoria: Have they deserted my banner so soon?
Riskitt: Yes. Here's a notice just sent from police headquarters in the Emerald City. (Hands notice to Pastoria)
Pastoria: (Reading) "To our beloved police: Wanted, for treason, a small creature with slate pencil legs, an eye like a halibut, and a face like a cold flaxseed poultice, calling itself Pastoria II." After that description how can I escape?
Riskitt: We'll both need disguises.
Pastoria: And the sooner we get them the better. See to it at once. (Riskett exits)
Tryxie: (Enters) I am so hungry I could eat a fifty cent table d'hote (or a cheap fixed-price restaurant menu) and think it was food.
Pastoria: Alas! that I should have chosen for a Queen one whose appetite is so strenuous.
Tryxie: Pasty, when you invited me to become your Queen did you think I lived on air?
Pastoria: I saw only your face - your lovely face.
Tryxie: Yes; but even the loveliest face has to be fed.
Pastoria: Another fond delusion shattered. Now I know that woman is but a hollow mockery. Come, let us on to my kingdom.
(Pastoria and Tryxie exit, Dorothy and Scarecrow enter)
Dorothy: Come along, I'll help you get a position. Now, what field have you been in?
Scarecrow: All of them. I began in the pasture lot, and was moved up to the potato patch.
Dorothy: Do you know beans?
Scarecrow: I should say I do. A bean vine grew up my right leg once. (Dorothy sits on ground and begins to eat cakes from basket) What are you doing?
Dorothy: Eating.
Scarecrow: What do you do that for?
Dorothy: Because I'm hungry. Don't you ever eat?
Scarecrow: No. I'm stuffed full now. Pretty soon you'll be stuffed full and you won't be able to eat either.
Dorothy: I eat three or four times a day.
Scarecrow: Is it necessary?
Dorothy: Of course.
Scarecrow: How I pity you. You people of flesh must waste a lot of time trying to keep alive.
Dorothy: Haven't you any taste?
Scarecrow: I admire you.
Dorothy: You're a strange creature. That farmer might have taken more pains in your manufacture in more ways than one.
Scarecrow: Yes. Think of his starting me in life with so few advantages. (A groan heard back of drop)
Dorothy: What's that?
Scarecrow: It sounds like a carette (might mean carousel?) horse passing a stable at dinner time.
Dorothy: It comes from behind these bushes. Dare you look and see what it is?
Scarecrow: I fear nothing, but a lighted match, or a cigarette smoker. If ever I bump up against either of those two -- peace to my ashes. (Pushes bushes aside) I've got it. (Brings Tin-man out as he stands rigid with fife in position for playing)
Dorothy: Is that a man, or a hardware store?
Scarecrow: He's been married tin years and this is his tin wedding.
Dorothy: Did you play, sir?
Tin Man: Did I play? I've been practicing that lovely tune for over a year.
Dorothy: Why do you stand so still?
Tin Man: I'm rusted.
Dorothy: Where?
Tin Man: In my joints.
Dorothy: Must you stay there forever?
Tin Man: Not if you will help me. Get the oil can from behind that stump and oil me up a bit and then I'll be oil right.
Scarecrow: I'll rush the can. (Gets oil can from behind and begins to oil Tin Man's joints)
Tin Man: What a blessed relief. Accept my thanks. Nick Chopper is at last himself again.
Dorothy: I'm so glad we heard you. What a dangerous position you were in.
Tin Man: Wasn't I? If a hold-up man had come along with a can opener he might have gone through me with ease. (To Scarecrow) Here, oil my neck a little more. It doesn't turn smoothly.
Scarecrow: (Oiling Tin Man's neck) Some of these tough joints ought to be pulled.
Tin Man: (To Dorothy) Your friend seems to be one of the light fingered gentry. I hope he's not as bad as he's painted.
Dorothy: What a horrid thing for you to say, after his helping you out of your trouble.
Tin Man: I beg your pardon, Miss; it's a long time since I've been in polite society and I'm still a bit rusty. (To Scarecrow) Much obliged for the grease. Ah, I was not always made of tin. Once I was made of flesh and blood, as you two are.
Scarecrow: (Taking handful of straw from breast) Cut me out, please.
Dorothy: How did it happen?
Tin Man: A pretty Munchkin girl loved me devotedly. Often she came and held the trees while I chopped them down, and then gently lowered them to the ground. But the wicked witch had forbidden any love-making in her domains, and one day Cynthia and I were caught holding hands. She enchanted my axe so that it slipped and cut off my leg. I went to the tinsmith and had a new one made. Then, one by one, I lost my arms, head, and body, but the tinsmith replaced each missing member. I kept on chopping wood, though, and said nothing. I was happy, notwithstanding, until I discovered that I no longer loved Cynthia.
Dorothy: No longer loved her? Why?
Tin Man: The tinsmith had forgotten to give me a heart.
Scarecrow: That probably came extra.
Dorothy: Come along with us to Oz, perhaps you can get a heart.
Tin Man: Who is Oz - a butcher?
Dorothy: No, no! It's city, where a wonderful wizard rules.
Tin Man: (Sings and dances) "Oh, Cynthia, Cynthia, I've been thinking - What an awful thing it was - To be without a heart, but now I'll get it from the Wizard of Oz."
When You Love, Love, Love
(Trio -- Tin-man, Dorothy, and Scarecrow)
Oh! Love's the thing, that poets sing Their sweetest lays regarding. And none say nay, to love's gay sway which wounds when not rewarding.
Naught can allure the heart so sure as one swift dart from Cupid and none, I know would dodge his blow, unless exceeding stupid.
For love's the thing, that poet's sing their sweetest lays regarding, And all are gay, neath Cupid's sway All worldly cares discarding.
Chorus:
When you love, love, love in mad delirium, when you love, love, love is quite sincere you come.
There is nothing so divine there is nothing half so fine, As the gladness of your madness when you love, love, love.
II. I've heard it said that Love is fed On gifts of costly treasure, but it's so nice, I'm sure the price, no lover cares to measure.
All other things are quite forgot When once your heart is captured you guess if you're alive or not so madly you're enraptured.
But though of love you gaily sing 'twill turn your heart quite stony, to end the whirl and find the girl Is seeking "Alimony."
CHANGE TO -SCENE IV: - The Poppy Field. The scene shows an extensive field of poppies, 30 or 40 young ladies dressed in costumes representing the poppy flower. They are so arranged that they practically fill the entire stage. Stage in total darkness at the beginning of this scene. Light effect is thrown upon the gauze drop. Gradually the lights are raised on the stage beginning red and gradually working up to a pale white light. All the girls stand with their heads bent forward so as to hide faces, their poppy heads alone showing. As they sing they sway their bodies and pantomine with their heads. (Chorus of Poppy flowers.)
Poppy Chorus: Should a wandering mortal lucklessly appear in our field needlessly our sweet perfume inhaling each sense with joy regaling. Who can blame us if all our soporific powers are revealed. While unto our sway he gives way and must helplessly yield. For death, like a breath comes to all soon or late and mortals are the sport of a mischievous fate. So welcome the peace that we bring to mankind. It is happiness to dream on, with care left behind. We are poppies in fairest splendor, blooming fragrant always. Through the mosses and the grasses looming Fascinations rare assuming We delight when alone, to pass the moments are play Every petal graciously nods our many charms to display.
(After Chorus, DASHEMOFF enters)
Dash: Oh, Dorothy! Dorothy!
Dorothy: Here I am. I'm so glad to meet you again. I've lost my way.
Dash: These poppy fields are pathless.
Dorothy: The Tin Man punctured himself with a rusty nail, and I had to send for a plumber to solder up his wound.
Dash: The Tin Man?
Dorothy: A new friend of mine.
Dash: I found a rhyme for "Sarsaparilla", but now I can't find the king.
(Enter PASTORIA, TRYXIE, COW and LION. Pastoria is dressed as a lion tamer, Tryxie as a bareback rider. Pastoria leads the Lion, Tryxie leads the Cow.)
Pastoria: S-sh! the Wizard's police are after us and we are disguised as a one ring circus.
Dash: (To Dorothy) This is Pastoria II, the rightful king of Oz.
Tryxie: I am Signiorina Bouncerino, premiere equestrienne. (basically Italian for Miss Horse Arena Groomer, or in this case a circus worker who cleans a performance ring for wild animals)
Pastoria: And I am Signor Gonzabo, premier lion tamer. (Striking pose with Lion) Sit up, Bruno, kiss your paw. (Lion kisses paw) No, no! Kiss your paw to the ladies. But come, we must not tarry here. On to the Emerald City.
(Poppies shake their heads. All characters yawn)
Dorothy: (To Dash) Are you sleepy?
Dash: Very. It's the perfume of these flowers.
Dorothy: (Yawning) Yes; they make opium of them, I've read.
(Poppies shake their heads)
Pastoria: I feel like forty winks and a couple of naps. (Cow lies down)
Tryxie: (Yawning) Not a bad idea. I think I'll use you as a sofa pillow. You're not much as a mattress, but you'd make an awful hit with me, served rare, with mashed potatoes. (Lies down with head on Cow's side)
Pastoria: (Sleepily) Bruno, kindly give me an imitation of a folding bed. (Lion lies down) Will somebody bring me my shaving water and a poached egg some time next week? (Lies with head on Lion and falls asleep. Poppies shake their heads)
Dorothy: (Drowsily) What does this mean? My head reels. My eyes must close. The perfume stifles me. There's danger in this sleep I'm sure. (Falls asleep)
(Dashemoff leaves stage, Scarecrow and Tin Man enter)
Tin Man: Where are you, Hay?
Scarecrow: Did the plumber fix you up all right?
Tin Man: Oh, yes. I'm now a soldered, but wiser man.
Scarecrow: Hello! I'm wounded too. (Shows tear in leg) Got a few pins?
Tin Man: What for?
Scarecrow: (Pointing to tear) I want to collect my rent. (Poppies shake heads, all but them on stage yawn)
Tin Man: (Looking around) Asleep - all of them.
Scarecrow: Let's wake them up.
Tin Man: You can't. Before I turned to tin I didn't dare to cross these fields. (Poppies shake) Their perfume brings an endless sleep.
Scarecrow: I don't feel sleepy.
Tin Man: Of course not. It's the brains that go to sleep, and you haven't got any.
Scarecrow: But we can't leave little Dottie here.
Tin Man: How can we wake her?
Scarecrow: I don't know, but we must.
Tin Man: Suppose we shake her?
Scarecrow: No, it isn't polite to shake a lady. (All characters asleep snore)
Tin Man: What will we do?
Scarecrow: I think she has a ring that will bring one of our leading witches to her aid.
Tin Man: (Taking Dorothy's hand) Here it is.
Scarecrow: But we don't know how it works.
Tin Man: Who can tell us?
Dorothy: (In her sleep) Oh, Locusta! (persumably sleep-talking or in a dream) (WITCH of the North enters, and comes to Dorothy)
Witch: Who calls me? (Sees Dorothy) The child to whom I promised my friendship. She and her companions in the deadly grasp of these treacherous blossoms. Heartless and poisonous flowers, dare you defy the power of the Witch of the North? (Poppies raise their heads) Defy me, who rules the North Wind and holds the Frost King as a willing subject? For this you shall die. For this shall I cloud the sunshine, which is your breath, and chill the warmth which gives you life. (Poppies raise heads) Hail, winds of the frozen North! Come to my aid! Embrace these false blossoms, and wither them with your cold caresses! King of the Frost, you do I invoke in this, my hour of vengeance. Hurl your glittering atoms upon these cruel flowers! (poppies kneel) Congeal their sap of life, and set upon them the icy seal of your freezing kiss, which kills as surely as does their own treacherous breath. Thus shall my enemies perish! Thus shall I restore to life these mortals who now sleep, and rescue the maiden I have sworn to protect!
(Poppies shrink away, droop and fall to the ground, as the snow descends and the scene change to Scene 5: Winter Scene. [HANDWRITTEN: The dimmer effect (elective) is worked on gauge, hung behind proscenium. Lights are lowered and when out scene changes to Poppy Field in Winter.] Several snow boys and girls discovered at the back of platform. Snow Queen on high platform holding her hands out towards the audience. Snow falls from her hands. When lights have worked up to a light blue she slowly rises, turns and sees the Snow Queen and drops on her knee. Curtain drops)
Act II[]
(SCENE:- House and Stage all dark. THE PHANTOM MARCH. Change to Throne Scene. CHORUS discovered, THE WIZARD OF OZ enters)
Bardo: All hail to the wonderful Wizard of Oz. (All salaam) (an Arabic greeting)
Wizard: (to Crowd) Friends, an attempt has been made to assassinate your King. As I was about to enter the Emerald City a pistol shot was fired and struck me in the chest. After this I must have a protector. (To Bardo) Have we a good chest protector?
Gyle: (Pointing to Guard) Here's a good man.
Wizard: (To Guard) This way, if you please. (Guard approaches) What is your business?
Guard: To watch.
Wizard: Anything else?
Guard: To guard.
Wizard: Then you are a watch-guard?
Guard: I am.
Wizard: You are? Good. How much?
Guard: How much what, sire?
Wizard: To protect.
Guard: Three dollars a week.
Wizard: I can get a man with whiskers for four.
Guard: But think, sire, I would protect you against an army. Aye, a thousand. Aye, ten thousand! If they came upon us I would run my sword through them, one by one. (Suiting action to word)
Wizard: Good boy! And if it came to a show-down I'd help you run. (Goes to throne - to crowd) Friends, I'll begin my performance with the magic egg and handkerchief trick.
Gyle: (Aside to others) Watch!
Wizard: I have here a tame egg and a fresh laid handkerchief. Now what I propose to do is to place the egg within the handkerchief and have it disappear, and re-appear in the mouth of some innocent spectator.
Gyle: Bah!
Wizard: I wish it to be understood that I have no confederate. And as I have no confederate will some gentleman please step forward and kindly assist me? Anyone at all... no matter who. Thank you, I'll take this gentleman. Watch me closely now, for you'll find that my hands are quicker than your eyes. I place the egg within the handkerchief and so with a few magic passes... is gone. Presto! Change!
Gyle: It's a fake, fake, fake. He's a faker!
Wizard: Now for the marvels of marvels: my famous magic basket. I have here a basket which contains nothing but gleamerin' blades which go round and round. To satisfy yourselves you can all step up and examine the inside of the basket. Now, I'm pleased to know that you're all satisfied that the basket contains nothing but gleamerin' knives, and as I have no confederate will some gentleman kindly step forward and assist me? Anyone at all. You can select whoever you like. Thank you, I'll take this gentleman. Now he's in the basket. We immediately turn the basket over. Then we secure the dangerous burning acid. Fire in the liquid. The burning acid I pour all over the basket. Don't be alarmed. I'm here. Then we secure the sword, the poison tipped sword, piercing the basket through and through opening the basket, he's gone. Closing the basket, and back to its original place and opening up the basket, and out he jumps, as lively and hearty as ever.
Gyle: That's nothing. I can do it. I can do it.
Wizard: You can?
Gyle: Yes, me or any other fraud.
Wizard: I have to laugh in my sleeve. (Ha ha's in his sleeve, to crowd) Laugh at him. (They laugh "HA") Again! (They laugh again "Ha") You see, they give you the ha-ha.
Gyle: (To Crowd) Can't you see that he's no wizard? Just a plain human humbug! If I prove that, and save the country from a tyrant will you make me king?
Guard: Prove it
Gyle: If he's a Wizard let him defy this bomb. (Throws bomb at Oz's feet. It bounces off stage - he throws a second with the same result)
Wizard: (Smilingly) I'm a regular bomb charmer. Merely by a glance of the eye I hypnotize the dynamite.
Bardo: (Seizing Gyle) What shall we do with him?
Wizard: Throw him out of the palace. He's not worth taking seriously.
Gyle: (Waving third bomb) Some day one of these will work.
Wizard: That's more than you'll do. (Two guards remove Gyle) Now, Bardo, the royal entertainment being over you may pass the royal hat. (Crowd starts to leave) Here, come back. Don't run away. (Bardo passes hat and crowd does not respond with contributions) What's the matter, Bardo? They're very sorry, but they won't have anything to spare till pay-day.
Pay-Day (Lyrics not included)
(Bardo exits as Oz sits on his throne chair)
Cynthia: (Enters) Ah, there sits my Niccolo, brooding over his love for me. Beneath that awful mask beats the heart of my own true lover. Good morrow, most noble king!
Wizard: Good morning, Carrie. (she might have used the name 'Carrie Barry')
Cynthia: Will you come rowing me with in my garden?
Wizard: Rown' in the garden? I'll have to disappoint you; I'm just going out for a walk on the lake.
Cynthia: 'Tis a deep sea garden the soft shell crabs are all in bloom, and as we row we'll dredge for oyster plants. And we'll build us a beautiful house of tinted pearls and butterflies to wait on us - and June bugs...
Wizard: She's bug house.
Cynthia: Come with me to the bottom of the sea and be my king-fish.
Wizard: No, I'd sooner stay here and stick to my perch.
Cynthia: Ah, sneer if you will, you cannot turn me from my purpose. Think, my darling think...
Wizard: I think I'll think up here. (Jumping up on chair)
Cynthia: My head is full of thoughts; they go round and round.
Wizard: Those are not thoughts, they are roller skates. (Aloud) The lady has hallucinations.
Cynthia: My brain is on fire.
Wizard: Yes, and I'm getting a little hot-headed myself. (Comes down from throne)
Cynthia: (Lovingly) Oh, Niccolo! Bewitched and transformed as you are, you must recognize your old sweetheart. Don't you remember we used to wander together.
Wizard: And now you're wandering alone. Dinny open the gate, open the gate.
Cynthia: But I have found you. Come, fly with me.
Wizard: I will as soon as my wings come back from the laundry.
Cynthia: Niccolo - Niccolo. Don't you remember your old sweetheart? Your little Cinnie, whom you swore to love forever? Think Think! You were younger then and your hair was parted in the middle. And Nick, you had another face.
Wizard: That's a hard one, that's a hard one. I beg pardon, but from childhood up this face grew on me. Now, see here, my good lady, we had better come to an understanding. Your ideas are all right in a way, but even at that you're wrong. You think you're speaking to the party that you are, but you're not, you're talking to me.
Cynthia: Do you spurn the heart I lay at your feet? Alas, alas! I am undone.
Wizard: You're all right behind.
Cynthia: Monster! If I cannot have my Nick I'll have revenge! (Fires pistol at Oz, Bell rings off stage, Oz takes large bullet from mouth, throws it on floor and exits) He's made of asbestos. Would that all lovers were fireproof. (she exits)
(Captain and Guard enters with Dorothy, Tin Man, and Scarecrow)
Scarecrow: Is this where the Wizard does his principal wizzing?
Captain: Can't you see it's his palace? Haven't you got any brains?
Scarecrow: That's just what I came here to get.
Dorothy: (To Captain) He'd like a few brains and I'd like a pass to Kansas.
Captain: (To Tin Man) And what do YOU want of the Wizard?
Tin Man: I'll take a heart.
Captain: I'll announce your wants. But be warned, don't make light of aught (or anything) in his presence.
Scarecrow: If I made light of anything they'd cancel my fire insurance.
Dorothy: (To Captain) We've come a long way to get the Wizard to help us. Do you think he can?
Captain: I cannot tell. He alone knows.
Scarecrow: Don't worry, Dottie. If you have to stay here we'll take care of you. (To Tin Man) You're in on that, Pie-plates?
Tin Man: That's right, Dottie. With all my heart, when I get it. (Flourish of trumpets heard off)
Captain: His Majesty approaches!
(Flourish of trumpets and enter Oz followed by Bardo)
Tin Man: Here comes the Wizard!
Wizard: (Seeing Dottie) What! Strangers here!
Scarecrow: Yes, little Dottie.
Wizard: You all look a little Dottie.
Dorothy: Oh no, I'm Dorothy Gale. Are you the great Magician?
Wizard: Am I? Watch! (Thunder noise each time he makes a pass with his hands) All done by the passes of the hand.
Dorothy: Then you can send me back to Kansas with a pass.
Wizard: I am not a Congressman.
Scarecrow: Brains, please.
Wizard: How will you have your brains, plain or sizzled?
Dorothy: Have them scrambled, by all means.
Tin Man: Yes, have them strangled. (either a joke or mistype)
Wizard: How would you like a Russell Sage thinker with just a dash of Hetty Green? (prominent businesspeople as Russell Sage was a congressman and railroad tycoon as Hetty Green was a financier called "The Witch of Wall Street" in being then the 'richest woman in America')
Scarecrow: You're the doctor.
Wizard: Bardo, my book, please. (Bardo gives it to Oz and he reads from book) "One pound of Angustora Phosphorus plant-tissue (used to make a bitter drink) lyonised with tincture of fundamental and double distilled extract of Graphohoneical essence." Now, as far as I've got, how does that suit you?
Tin Man: When you get it tuned up, play something.
Wizard: Tuned up?
Tin Man: Say, Wiz, never mind that blended brain, just mix him up a little of that straight Mark Hanna brand. (unclear how he would about the Senator)
Wizard: Correct. How would you like to have a Mark Hanna brain?
Tin Man: That's it, take it.
Scarecrow: I'll take it.
Wizard: That's it. Take the best, it's the cheapest. The other would make you daffy. Brains, the real genuine Mark Hanna grey matter. Now, for the ornaments. Would you like to have a dash of orange bitters?
Tin Man: Take all you can get.
Scarecrow: Take all I can get?
Wizard: That's right. This way, please. (Scarecrow goes towards him, warbling) Oho! So you're a warbler, eh? (or to sing like a bird per Dictionary.com)
Scarecrow: I'm so happy.
Wizard: Well, you'll be happier by the time I'm through with you. Now do you know where you want your brains? On the roof. Correct. Over here, please. We start in by making a small incision.
Tin Man: Say, Wiz, that's no watermelon.
Wizard: Certainly not. No watermelon. Ah, I see he's troubled with a little hay fever, and an over-abundance, too, at that. I'll remove... Now, we'll see further. Well, what have we here? In all my experiences in trephining (an old version of brain or head surgery) I never saw anything to equal the likes of this. And the further you go the better they get, a regular squirrel's nest. (Taking peanuts from Scarecrow's head and handing them to Tin Man and others) Search that. I don't think there's a blank among any of them. The real genuine article. This feller is nutty. (To Scarecrow) The first thing you know you'll have rubber brains. Keep quiet if you can't keep still. We'll start in (With knife) at the frontal bone, passing along the seam of imagination, crossing over to the pocket containing paroties of thought. (To Bardo) The Gridoler... now... Well, brains... Steady, steady! Man dear, yer losin' yer senses. Couldn't you see? The mucilage! (a plant substance) A few layers of the phrenological salve, and you're all right. There you are. Your Mark Hanna roof is well shingled.
Scarecrow: (Rising and feeling his head) Oh, oh, how I love the poor workingman!
Wizard: How do you feel now?
Scarecrow: Like making speeches to the intelligent voter. I'll write one. (Produces pad and pencil and writes)
Tin Man: (To Oz) One heart haben. (German for receiving)
Wizard: What size heart do you wear?
Tin Man: Six-seven eights.
Dorothy: Wouldn't you like to be considered a big-hearted man?
Tin Man: I couldn't afford it Dottie. I've got lots of tin, but I hate to part with it.
Wizard: Would you like to have your heart hot or cold?
Tin Man: Warm.
Wizard: Warm?
Tin Man: Luke?
Wizard: Here's one, left by a young lady named Sapho.
Tin Man: Then it's second handed. Very expensive?
Wizard: Well, it used to be a dear heart, but this being bargain day I'll give it to you cheap. A dollar thirty-eight.
Tin Man: (Taking heart) There's a flaw in it. I'll give you sixty-eight.
Wizard: It's yours.
Tin Man: That's a bargain.
Wizard: Will you have it wrapped or sent?
Tin Man: I'll take it wth me.
Wizard: Where will you have it?
Tin Man: (Pointing to head) Don't put it in there.
Wizard: Certainly not.
Tin Man: Sink it in those. (Putting hand on breast)
Wizard: What do you want, a sink, or a... Bardo, my surgical instruments. (Bardo throws tools at foot of throne)
Tin Man: Say, what are you? A plumber?
Wizard: No. I think I'm a tinsmith.
Tin Man: I think you're a... wait a minute.
Wizard: What's the matter? Nervous?
Tin Man: Just a little excited, that's all.
Wizard: I'll stop that. (holds up a mallet)
Tin Man: Wait a minute. There's no hurry about this.
Wizard: Oh, yes there is, there's others waiting.
Tin Man: Well, let them wait. I guess I'll call in tomorrow.
Wizard: Now, don't be heartless. Have a heart. What's the matter with you?
Tin Man: Oh, Wizzie, nice little Wizzie, will you do me a favor?
Wizard: Certainly I will, what's the matter? What are you shaking about?
Tin Man: Just a little case of nervous prosperity.
Wizard: I'll fix that.
Tin Man: That didn't hurt. Shine!
Wizard: I'm going to put a little absinthe (an alcoholic drink) on your heart. (puts absinthe on heart and puts it into Tin Man) There, your heart will beat in two minutes!
Tin Man: It's working already.
Wizard: (To Dorothy) Don't be alarmed. I suppose you want a pair of feet.
Dorothy: No, I want a pass to Kansas.
Wizard: I'm afraid my Kansas passes are all cancelled.
Dorothy: Must I stay forever in this awful country?
Wizard: How can you call anything awful after Topeka?
Dorothy: I'm so mad, I could cry. (cries)
Tin Man: (Going to her) Don't cry, Dottie. Look at what he did for me. (Shows heart and drops it) Don't step on it. (Dorothy exits) Oh! Broke my brand new heart!
Scarecrow: How's this for stampeding a Convention? "The time has come to cripple the money octopus. We'll pull his leg. No, we'll clip his wings, and you'll all be happy when you vote for me." (referring to the usage of an octopus in political art) (exits)
Wizard: (Proudly) There go the most successful miracles I ever performed, and I'm going to give a ball to-night in honor of my triumph. The last one I attended was in Topeka.
The Dance of All Nations (lyrics not included)
(Bardo enters, followed by Pastoria, Tryxie, Cow and Lion)
Bardo: Where is your license for this company?
Tryxie: We had a dramatic license, but we lost it. We're only a moral one ring circus.
Bardo: Is there all there is of you?
Tryxie: We had a stage-struck pig when we started.
Bardo: What happened to the stagestruck pig?
Tryxie: He was cured in the last town.
Pastoria: And we had a happy family, too, that lion and a lamb.
Bardo: Lost the lamb?
Pastoria: No. The lamb is still with us, but beneath the surface. (Lion pats his stomach appreciatively)
Bardo: I'll report your arrest to his wizziness. (Exits)
Tryxie: (To Pastoria) And if His Wizziness recognizes you, it's into the cart with Du Barry!
Pastoria: Ugh! Stop putting ice down my back.
Tryxie: Where is your army? Where is your revolution?
Pastoria: Be patient, my Empress of Biscuit Shooters. Feast your eyes upon that throne whereon you and I will sit together as soon as we get a chance to prove Oz a humbug.
Tryxie: But is Oz a humbug?
Pastoria: Is he? Well, I should say he issie, Ozzie, izzie. On the earth you came from his feats of magic were chestnuts at all the church fairs fifty years ago.
(Scarecrow and Tin Man enter)
Tin Man: Say, Hay, is this the place?
Scarecrow: That's where we're at. (To Pastoria and Tryxie) Why so sad, comrades?
Tryxie: Why do our faces look pinched?
Tin Man: Yes. Who did it?
Pastoria: The myrmidons of the usurper. Even the show business isn't safe in this pea-green town.
Scarecrow: What show business?
Pastoria: Signor Gonzabo's only original one ring circus.
Tin Man: Where is it?
Pastoria and Tryxie: WE are it! Ta, ta. (They strike pose, Lion and Cow also. Cow nibbles at Scarecrow)
Scarecrow: Have the animals been fed lately?
Pastoria: Why?
Scarecrow: (Pointing to Cow) Because if that beast remains hungry I'm liable to join the menagerie against my will. (feeling cow's side) Oh, yes, she's been fed.
Tryxie: Why, she's perfectly amiable. Come here, and I'll introduce you.
Scarecrow: Thanks, we've met before.
Cynthia: (Enters and is carrying an axe) Hold! Stand all apart. Hold! Stand all apart. (All spread arms and legs, she points to Pastoria) I would speak with yonder wicked giant. It is my pleasure to think I am Jack-the Giant-Killer. Come with me to yonder bean stalk, 'Tis but a mile high and when thou hast reached the top I will cut it down. I fain would see thee tumble. (references Jack and the Beanstalk)
Pastoria: Excuse me, I'm not good at tumbling.
Cynthia: Now that I look upon thee again I can believe that.
Tryxie: Will the Lady Lunatic kindly cut it short?
Cynthia: What are thou?
Tryxie: Oh, back to the padded cell with you.
Cynthia: (To Pastoria) Have you brought home a new cook? I prithee wash the potatoes.
Tryxie: (Starting towards Pastoria) Now, Pasty... (Cynthia seizes Tryxie by arm, pulls her away then pushes Pastoria who falls near throne and Tryxie exits)
Cynthia: (Starting towards Pastoria) Abide thee there awhile (Turns and sees Scarecrow) Thou cream-faced loon! Where getst thou that goose look? (Swings axe in front of Scarecrow's face as he falls and she exits)
(Flourish of trumpets and enter Bardo with crowd)
Bardo: His Majesty commands your presence at once.
Pastoria: (Alarmed) What for?
Bardo: You're not to ask questions, but obey orders.
Pastoria: If I don't know, I don't go.
Bardo: Your circus will give a special performance by royal command.
Pastoria: (Aside) Ah, I breathe again.
(Pastoria, Bardo, Cow, Tin Man, Lion, and Scarecrow all exit while Tryxie enters)
1st Girl: (To Tryxie) Don't you belong to the circus?
Tryxie: No, indeed. Oh, yes, of course I do.
1st Girl: Do you have to act?
Tryxie: Oh, no, of course not. I don't have to act, but I love art.
2nd Girl: What is your speciality?
Tryxie: I'm a bare-faced equestrienne, and I sing serio comics (or comedy-dramas)
1st Girl: Where are serio comics?
Tryxie: Haven't you ever heard one?
1st Girl: Never.
Tryxie: Some people are born lucky. Here's where your luck ends.
SAMMY SONG (lyrics not included)
(Confederate and Pastoria enter. Pastoria throws a large green cloth over Confederate's head)
Pastoria: Quick, quick, my queen! The knock-out drops! (Tryxie places bottle to Confederate's nose, Pastoria counting) 1, 2, 6, 8, 10, out. The rest is easy. Disguised in this fellow's clothes, I shall take his place. When the time comes Oz will put me in the trunk, then he will close the lid, turn the thing over and open it, and when he tells the people to look again they will see this trunk empty. Then I will rise at the back and denounce him as a fraud.
Tryxie: And they'll make you King again.
Pastoria: (Tenderly) Then I shall lead you to a palace.
Tryxie: I'd rather be led to a restaurant.
Pastoria: Queens don't talk that way.
Tryxie: But I'm not a Queen. Listen, Pasty, I dreamed last night that I was in Heaven, eating ice cream and sauer kraut.
Pastoria: Go back to bed. But first help me carry this man where I can secure his clothes. (Lifts Confederate on his shoulder)
Tryxie: Is he heavy? He must have had his dinner. I could help you lift him if I had had mine. (they exit)
(Sir Wiley enters with Guard and several girls)
Gyle: The coast is clear. Come in - come in. Don't be afraid. I'm not. Come in, and look at his wonderful tricks. you haven't changed your minds? You'll let me prove to you that your ruler is no wizard? Then watch me. Here's his wonderful egg trick. See, a pocket in the handkerchief. And see the magic basket. Place this inside, turn it over so, and behold, the false bottom. Stupid, people, he has made a fool of you all for years. Rebel! Drive him from Oz. and make Sir Wiley your savior king!
Guard: It shall be done.
Others: Down with the Wizard! Down with the Wizard! (Crowd exits)
Gyle: (looks around) Yes, I'll do it. His confederate has lived long enough. (Begins to nail up bottom of basket) One good turn deserved another. I will nail it up. And tries to open it he will have a picnic. A basket picnic. The Wizard will wiz for the last time today. (exits)
Specality (lyrics not included nor is song listed)
(Scarecrow and Tin Man sing)
(Pastoria and Trixie enter after Scarecrow and Tin Man exit. Pastoria disguised as the confederate, and wears long cloak)
Pastoria: (Cautiously) H'st, would you know your king?
Tryxie: No, I'm too hungry to see straight. (Enter entire court, Sir Wiley Gyle and Oz. Oz goes to throne)
Wizard: Welcome, my faithful subjects, to our second daily exhibition.
Gyle: This is the last he'll ever give.
Wizard: We will proceed as usual with our marvelous magic basket.
Gyle: Now then Citizens, watch him. I will prove how you have been tricked for years by this imposter. Watch! Watch him! Watch him!
Wizard: You all know that the basket contains nothing but glimmering knives, if there's any doubt step forward and examine the basket. You all know that I have no confederate. Now will some gentleman kindly step forward and assist me. Anyone at all. Anyone at all. I don't give a... I don't care who it is. Dinny! (shoves Pastoria into the basket as Guard offers to assist) Thank you - a little bit slow. I'll have to take this man. What's the matter Dinny, have ye been indulgin'? In the basket. Now he's in the basket... We immediately turn the basket over.
Gyle: (Chuckling) He, he!
Wizard: We take our time in turning the basket over. (Turns it over with assistance and laughs) Now we secure the dangerous burnin' acid. (sees basket is nailed)
Gyle: Go on! Go on!
Wizard: (Aside) Somethin' doin'.
Gyle: Go on.
Wizard: Just a minute. I think one of the glimmering knives is broke.
Gyle: Watch the faker.
Wizard: (Looks basket and to Pastoria inside) Dinny, you're late.
Gyle: Go on, don't stop.
Wizard: Dinny, we're up against it.
Gyle: Go on, we're just dying to see you do the trick again.
Wizard: Yes, and Dinny will be dead if I DO do it again.
Gyle: Watch him, it's WONDERFUL. Go on, pour it, pour it, pour it.
Wizard: I refuse to reign and pour at the same time.
Guard: Do you refuse?
Wizard: Yes, I do.
Guard: Then drive him out of Oz!
Chorus: Down with him.
Gyle: Wait! Wait! He'll do it. Go on! Go on!
Wizard: (Carrying sword) Dinny, watch yourself! Watch yourself. (Drives sword into basket. Basket is turned up and Pastoria falls ou causing a commotion in crowd)
Gyle: This is not the Confederate. Who is this man?
Pastoria: I am Pastoria the Second.
Gyle: Pastoria in that dress?
Pastoria: It's the costume of the man who guarded that imposter's tricks. You all know me now. I am Pastoria II - returned to denounce that man and claim the throne!
Star of My Native Land (Lyrics not included)
(Curtain falls)
Act III[]
(SCENE: Edge of the domain of Oz. Draw bridge. There is a large tree as the roots of tree have turned upward and form a cage. The scene is a study in purple. AT RISE: SOLDIERS led by OFFICERS enter. Sentry is left at bridge Soldiers march off up R. Officer enter guard house over Cooks and Waitresses enter across bridge)
Cooks' and Waitresses' Number (lyrics not included)
(Officers enter from guard house at end of Number)
Officer: Who are you, and where do you come from?
1st Cook: We are cooks and waitresses and maids of all work.
2nd Cook: And we're looking for an intelligence office.
Officer: In your travels have you met any suspicious characters?
Waitress: Oh, everybody WE meet is suspicious.
1st Cook: Why the last people I worked for wouldn't believe that one mouse could steal a cold boiled ham.
Officer: I'm talking of escaped prisoners, enemies of King Pastoria. They broke out of the jail at Oz.
Waitress: When did they escape?
Officer: Yesterday. There's a big reward for them.
2nd Cook: What do they look like?
Officer: Read the royal proclamation over there. (Points to Bulletin board up with proclamation on it) You'll find their full description. (Girls rush up to bulletin board as Officers exit and Sentry faces up stage and watches girls)
1st Girl: (Mounting on stool beside bulletin) Oh, girls, it's a thousand gold pieces for the one who catches them.
(Tin Man and Scarecrow enter down for entrance. Tin Man is disguised as a burlesque chaffeur. Scarecrow in costume of various light colored articles which might be stolen from a clothes' line. They see the group up stage and draw back to cover of guard house)
Tin Man: Once across that bridge and we win. Do you think we've been missed at the prison?
Scarecrow: Missed? My boy, when we left that prison all the cells were in tiers.
1st Cook: (Studying proclamation) From this description we ought to know this prisoner if we meet him. (Scarecrow and Tin Man listen)
Waitress: What does he look like?
1st Cook: (Reading) "He has folding bed knees, and a face like a fightened buckwheat cake."
Tin Man: (Aside to Scarecrow) That's you.
Scarecrow: (Aside to Tin Man) Did you ever see a frightened buckwheat cake?
Tin Man: Yes, while the cream was being whipped.
Scarecrow: Come, Harold, it's over the river with us. (They go up to bridge and Sentry halts them)
Tin Man: What's the matter?
Sentry: Don't you know?
Scarecrow: We haven't been told.
Sentry: That's it.
Tin Man: What's it?
Sentry: You're it.
Scarecrow: I've got it. This is a toll bridge and we can't go over until we've been told.
Tin Man: (Sadly) Oh!
Scarecrow: 'Tis a merry jest, but I see no change in you.
Tin Man: You see no change in me, because I'm broke. (to Sentry) What's the toll?
Sentry: One fong.
Scarecrow: One fong? This must be Chinese money. (unclear how he knew about China) (To Sentry) Do you charge for anybody under five?
Sentry: No.
Scarecrow: That fixes me. I'm just nine days' old.
Sentry: Nine days?
Scarecrow: Yes, but I'm large for my age. You may not believe it, but I was born just nine days ago.
Sentry: (evidently suspicious) That don't go. And neither do you.
Tin Man: Can't you trust us for two measly fongs?
Sentry: Not unless you leave your auto for security.
Tin Man: I haven't got one.
Sentry: Haven't got an auto, with that hat?
Tin Man: Oh, every man who wears a sailor cap don't own a yacht.
Sentry: (to them) What are you fellers, anyway?
Scarecrow: MUST you know?
Sentry: Yes or I'm likely to arrest you.
Scarecrow: I'm a smoke inspector in a painless dental parlor.
Tin Man: And I'm a switchman in a ladies' hair emporium.
Sentry: (Distrustfully) You don't seem to be telling the truth. (Goes back to bridge)
Tin Man: (Aside to Scarecrow) If I could find Little Dottie and the others they might help us.
Scarecrow: Take a look for them. (pushes Tin Man) I'll wait for you here. (Tin Man exits as Scarecrow motions to him after he is off and girls enter)
1st Cook: Better leave these runaway prisoners to the police and spend OUR time getting places.
Waitress: Shall we advertise first? Here are our ads, all ready for the want columns.
Scarecrow: Here's a chance to turn the toll. (Slapping forehead) This is where my brains come in. (Aloud to them) Excuse me, ladies, but why advertise?
2nd Cook: We all need positions.
1st Cook: Here are the ads we are going to publish. (Hands paper to Scarecrow)
Scarecrow: I know, you want everything, except work.
Waitress: You must have kept an agency.
Scarecrow: Right! (Reads) "A young German girl would like to give Russian lessons to a Swedish deaf mute in a refined Italian family." (apparently there are ethnicities in Oz) (Reads) "A neat and willing girl would like a position as a laundress in a family where the washing is sent out." (Reads) "A refined brunette will give good advice in exchange for a happy home." (Reads) "An epileptic French dressmaker would like employment. Fits guaranteed." (Reads) "A tired blonde will teach the rest cure to a wealthy aged couple. No objection to being adopted." (Reads) "An experienced worker would like to work an inexperienced young married couple."
1st Cook: Don't know of a few families who want girls like these?
Scarecrow: I don't know of any that WANT them, but a good many may have to have them.
1st Cook: But you can surely place a first class cook like me.
Scarecrow: What's your specialty?
1st Cook: My pies are something to be remembered.
Scarecrow: Some pies can never be forgotten. I'll tell you about one.
The Traveller and the Pie
(Scarecrow and girls) One day a weary traveler walked down a village street, did he?
I think he did. He thought he stop and ask a lady for a bite to eat.
Did he? I think he did. He knocked upon a door and said in accents so polite, I'm very hungry and I hope you'll let me have a bite.
Oh, you shall have my pie the young wife answered in delight. Did she? I think she did.
Chorus: Oh, the weary, hungry traveller, The hungry luckless traveller He took one little bite and next minute 85 took to flight Oh, the weary hungry luckless traveller.
II. A travelling man once told his wife he on the road must go. Did he? I think he did.
And then he stayed in town and took a lady to the show. Did he? I think he did.
He did it out of charity, his heart was very kind but when the usher showed his seat, he was surprised to find his wife, with another chap, was seated just behind. Was she? Oh, joy!
Chorus: Oh, the weary, hungry traveller, The hungry luckless traveller, She murmered "You're untrue" But he answered "So are you." Oh, the weary hungry luckless traveller.
(At end of song girls exit)
Scarecrow: There! They've gone and I'm still shy the toll.
(Tin Man enters)
Tin Man: Find anybody?
Tin Man: No. Didn't find anything but a book. (Shows book)
Scarecrow: What is the book?
Tin Man: "A Happy Home". In six parts.
Scarecrow: Who broke it up?
Tin Man: What's a happy home got to do with a flat?
Tin Man: The woman who owns this book can find out anything she wants to know.
(Officer enters with Sentry who points to both. Officer watches them suspiciously)
Scarecrow: I'd hate to be her husband.
Tin Man: (turns pages) For example, Chapter 9: how to fry eggs. Chapter 12: The married woman's pocket book.
Scarecrow: There's nothing in it. Go on.
Tin Man: Chapter 14: How to make ice water last.
Scarecrow: That's easy. Make everything else first. Brains.
Tin Man: Chapter 20. What to do when Baby swallows an alarm clock.
Scarecrow: (Takes book) I might try to sell it for enough to pay this toll. (turns to officer)
Officer: Who are you?
Scarecrow: We are book agents. I have here a book that no hungry man should be without.
Officer: No hungry man?
Tin Man: It has four plates and a canvas back.
Officer: I think you're two of the rebels names in that proclamation. (Pointing to proclamation)
Tin Man: Not at all.
Officer: You tell your story with a straight front.
Scarecrow: A straight front? Excuse me, my figure is all my own.
Officer: I'll arrest you both on suspicion. (To Soldiers) Take them in. (Soldiers step to each side of Scarecrow and Tin Man)
Tin Man: This is all a mistake.
Officer: To the cage with them.
(Scarecrow is marched to steps of cage with Tin Man)
Scarecrow: (Struggling) Get me a handwriting expert, he can prove by my signature that I'm somebody else, and that I died last year.
(They are put into cage or guardhouse. Sentry and soliders exit while Officer remains)
Tin Man: I say, this is wrong. We are not poll parrots. (or someone who repeats phrases)
Scarecrow: If I was a swearing man I'd say, "Dash it all; we're up in the air!"
Tin Man: What a glorious chance to study the language of the birds and monkeys.
Officer: It's certain we've caught two of the rebels. The others are not far off. Let no one pass that bridge.
(Jingling of chains as drawbridge is let down. Enter Sentry and a file of soldiers, escorting The Wizard and Sir Wiley, who are dressed as convicts with ball and chain at ankles. Pastoria follows them dressed in royal purple robes, but with plasters across his face and one black eye)
Pastoria: Halt! Let me enjoy their misery a moment longer. (To Wizard and Sir Wiley) My, but you look good.
Wizard: If I wasn't a stickler for the truth I'd say "Ditto."
Pastoria: (To Officer) Have any of the other escaped prisoners been captured?
Officer: (Pointing to cage) We've got the What-was-it, and the What-is-it in the cage.
Pastoria: (Going to cage) Good! My joy increases.
Scarecrow: Isn't he easily pleased? (Pastoria returns to the Wizard)
Pastoria: So you're a wizard, eh? Come, let me show you a trick. How to make the dust fly. Ha, ha, ha, give them brooms, men. Give them brooms, and let them perform the trick.
(Soldiers bring street brooms for Wizard and Sir Wiley Gyle)
Gyle: (Throws down broom) I'm no housemaid. I don't want your broom!
Pastoria: Pick that up, or I'll have you flogged. Pick it up, Sir Wiley, pick it up! Pick it up!
(Gyle picks up broom reluctantly)
Wizard: Of the two evils he chooses the broom.
Pastoria: My, my but you look funny. Ha, ha, ha.
(Enter Tryxie in riding habit)
Tryxie: Why so merry, dear Pasty?
Pastoria: Look at my new street cleaning gang. Ha, ha, ha, Aren't they a sight for sore eyes?
Tryxie: I hate to see that old chap punished.
Pastoria: Why?
Tryxie: Because he gave me the best laugh of my life. It was he Pasty dear, it was he that... (laughs) Oh, my, that nailed up the bottom of the Wizard's basket just before you got in it.
(Sir Wiley laughs)
Pastoria: Bruno take that laughing hyena away. Put him to work on the sewer.
(Soldiers exit across bridge with Sir Wiley and the Wizard. They carry the brooms on their shoulders)
Soldier: Right face - forward - march!
(Scarecrow and Tin Man wave their hands from cage to them as they exit with Officer)
Tryxie: And now, Pasty, my boy.
Pastoria: Please cut the word "Pasty" out of your vocabulary. Remember if you please, that I am a King. His Majesty, Pastoria Rex.
Tryxie: That's all right for laying stones and opening expositions. But none of "Your Majesty" in mine, Pasty.
Pastoria: And don't you want to be a queen?
Tryxie: Pasty, you were one of the sweetest motormen I ever knew, but as a King you won't do at all.
Pastoria: Why not?
Tryxie: Your blue blood gives me the blues. For my part, I don't even know who my grandfather was, so I've nothing to be ashamed of.
Pastoria: Tryxie, if you desert me now my life will be as empty as a Summer resort at Christmas.
Tryxie: Can't help it. I'm not crochetting any worsted ties for you just now. (a type of wool yarn)
Pastoria: Won't you kiss and make up?
Tryxie: No.
Pastoria: Then don't kiss, just make up. You do that so well.
Tryxie: (Stamping her foot) Brute!
Pastoria: To me, your King? Very well, we part here. I'll go back to my throne, and you can go back to your dairy kitchen, once more a biscuit shooter - and you might have been a queen.
Tryxie: That's nothing. If I had stayed at home I might have been head waitress at a lunch counter by this time. (exits)
Tin Man: My, but isn't she sassy! I'll bet she's a regular Must You.
2nd Waitress: For Goodness sake, what's a Must you?
Tin Man: I'm afraid to tell you, you might get the habit.
2nd Waitress: We'll try not to.
Tin Man: Well here's a yarn about one.
Must You? (lyrics not included)
(Exit Girls as Dashemoff and Dorothy enter)
Dash: Here we are at last. See, there's the drawbridge. This is the frontier of Pastoria's dominion. Once over that bridge and we'll be free from him, and in another day we'll be safe in the land of Galinda, the Good.
Dorothy: See, a big reward is offered for our capture. Pastoria is doing his best to get us again.
Dash: They've caught Oz and Wiley Gyle and they're working on the street-cleaning chain gang. But come on, it's dangerous to linger.
Dorothy: I wish we could find our old friends the Scarecrow and the Tin Man and take them with us.
Scarecrow: (At window in cage) Hi there somebody. I can't sleep in this room. The mice are stealing my filling.
Dash: The Scarecrow!
Dorothy: (Below the window) What are you doing in there?
Tin Man: You can't do anything in here but time.
Dash: And the Tin-man! Here's a fix.
Dorothy: We can't go away and leave them in prison.
Scarecrow: I'd like to put myself out to help you.
Dash: Don't worry. We'll stand by you.
Dorothy: How were you taken?
Scarecrow: After being well shaken.
Dorothy: I'm awfully sorry. If we can't get you out we'll stay here and go back to Oz with you.
Tin Man: Ah, Dottie that touches my heart. If Sir Daily hadn't spoken first I'd fall dead in love with you.
Dash: If we're to attempt a rescue let's get at it.
Tin Man: We can set the Scarecrow free to begin with.
Scarecrow: But, you...
Tin Man: Oh, never mind about me. Dottie, if you have a pair of scissors with you send 'em up on the elevator.
Dorothy: (Looking in reticule) Scissors? Yes, here they are.
Tin Man: Here's a paper of pins, and a needle and thread. (Drops them from window)
Dorothy: What have these to do with setting the Scarecrow free?
Tin Man: I'm going to cut him to pieces and pass him through these bars.
Dorothy: Can he stand it?
Scarecrow: Wouldn't think any more of it than a cold in my head. He can drop my pieces out of the window - you hide them in that wash basket and carry 'em off and pin 'em together again.
Dorothy: But won't that be seriously fatal?
Scarecrow: Not unless you lose some of me.
Tin Man: He ought to be done over like a mattress once a year anyway.
Dorothy: It's an awful risk, and I'm so fond of the Scarecrow. He owes his life to me. If I hadn't wished him into existence he'd still be scaring the birdies.
Dash: How about the sentries?
Tin Man: Are you good at sprinting?
Dash: Pretty good.
Tin Man: Then dash across that bridge without paying your toll, and lead them a chase. Now get to work.
(Dash walks up to Sentry as he talks to him while Dorothy ties scissors to a string lowered from window of cage by Tin Man and arranges wash basket beneath window. Dash suddenly pushes by Sentry and runs off across bridge.
Sentry: (pursues him) Help, stop thief!"
(Cooks and waitresses come in as they watch the pursuit.)
1st Waitress: I wonder who's escaping?
2nd Waitress: Maybe one of those rebels.
1st Cook: He has a fine lead, they'll never catch him now.
Dorothy: I hope they don't.
1st Waitress: Do you know him?
Dorothy: (Mysteriously) He's my sweetheart. We're wandering minstrels. He writes the songs and I sing them.
1st Cook: Love songs, of course?
Dorothy: Yes. Here's one.
Honey My Sweet (lyrics not included)
(Tin Man whistles from window and Dorothy goes to guardhouse)
Dorothy: I'm here.
Tin Man: The Scarecrow is all carved, and ready to serve.
Dorothy: Go ahead.
Tin Man: Will you have some wing, or some second joint?
Dorothy: Both.
(Tin Man drops a leg and an arm out of window as Dorothy puts them in basket and Cynthia enters)
Cynthia: What are you doing there?
(Tin Man continues to hand down pieces of Scarecrow)
Dorothy: S-sh--! We're rescuing the Scarecrow. It was a hard problem to solve.
Cynthia: You seem to be doing it in fractions.
Tin Man: Who's that?
Cynthia: 'Tis I, the Lady Lunatic. How does the Scarecrow feel about this?
Tin Man: Oh, he's all broke up. That'll be about all, Dottie.
Dorothy: (covers up basket) Are you sure I've got all of him?
Tin Man: I think so. Wait, well, I'll be hanged.
Dorothy: What's the matter?
Tin Man: I forgot his head. Here it is. (hands head to her)
Dorothy: How careless of you. Had we lost that he would have had to go through life without a head.
Cynthia: (Taking Dorothy aside) Have you known that tin gentleman long?
Dorothy: Not very.
Cynthia: There's something about him that reminds me of my long lost Niccolo.
Dorothy: Help me, Cynthia.
(They carry the basket as an Officer enters who looks at them and stops)
Officer: Where are you going with that basket?
Cynthia: To yonder garden, to gather geese berries for a plum pudding.
Officer: That basket isn't yours. Put it down - Put it down.
(They drop the basket and officer picks up cover)
Officer: (to another soldier) What's all this rubbish? Officer, take it and dump it in the river.
(Soldier steps forward, picks up basket, carries it up to bridge and throws it and contents into river)
Dorothy: (Falling into Cynthia's arms) He is lost!
Officer: By George! What does this mean? Where are the sentries? Where is the guardian of the bridge and the cage? There is some mischief afoot. What ho! Guards! (runs off and exits)
Cynthia: He is gone, and has left the key in the door. Come down quick!
(Tin Man comes down out of cage and rushes to bridge)
Dorothy: What a calamity! What a calamity!
Cynthia: Has any of him drifted away?
Tin Man: (Looking) There goes his leg. Quick, give me a crab net.
Dorothy: This will give him an awful cold.
Tin Man: (Throwing body of dummy on stage) There's his body. Put that near the fire to dry.
Dorothy: Oh, don't do that.
Cynthia: I wonder if he would mind being run through a clothes wringer.
(Tin Man who has thrown on Scarecrow's arms and legs enters coming down stage with Scarecrow's head)
Tin Man: And here's his brains. Soaked, but otherwise intact. My! But you're pretty. Quick, let's put him together.
Dorothy: Where? We'll be seen here.
Tin Man: Hide him in the Sentry box. What will we start with - his legs?
Cynthia: No, let us put his head up first, then he can tell us if we are putting him together right.
Tin Man: That's so. I can't tell his arms from his legs anyway. (putting head in place in cabinet) There! Right in line again.
Scarecrow: Will you take the water out of my ear?
Tin Man: (offers hand) Shake?
Scarecrow: I can't yet.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm so glad to hear you speak again.
Cynthia: Hurry, you're wasting time.
Scarecrow: Let me have an arm next, I want to scratch my nose.
Tin Man: (Showing a leg) What is that - right or left?
Scarecrow: Let me see. Put that in the left corner.
Cynthia: Look out. Here come the soldiers.
Tin Man: (With right leg under his arm) Stay here. Don't run away.
(Tin Man, Cynthia, and Dorothy exit. Soldiers move across stage from right to left as they exit. Tin Man re-enters still holding Scarecrow's leg)
Tin Man: Now then, I'll throw the rest at you - quick! (Fixes remainder of dummy and when complete, Scarecrow steps forward) How do you feel now?
Scarecrow: Like a wet scrambled egg. Is my face on straight?
Tin Man: Yes. Wasn't you frightened?
Scarecrow: A trifle. I tried to stay collected, but I couldn't. Unless you put a few more pins in my neck, I'm liable to lose my head.
Tin Man: Old friend, welcome back to me. I'm so happy I could sing for... well, I'm not going to frighten you by telling you how long.
Specialty (lyrics not included)
(Scarecrow and Tin Man exit as Sentry, Sir Wiley, and Oz enter. Oz and Sir Wiley with ball and chain as they are still in convict suits and wearing burlesque "White wing" helmets and carrying street brooms on shoulders)
Sentry: Halt! (they all stop suddenly) Get to work there you rascals.
Wizard: That's good. What next?
Sentry: You can polish up this square for a few hours. (Exits)
Wizard: Here's a fine finish for a King.
Gyle: A nice job! Manicuring boulevards.
Wizard: And me massaging sidewalks.
Gyle: A nice come-down for both of us.
Wizard: If anybody asks me what I'm doing I'll tell 'em I'm in business on the street.
Gyle: But just now we're working on the square.
Wizard: If I ran for King now I could sweep the country without any trouble.
Gyle: Wouldn't this be a lovely thing to give up for Lent?
(Tin Man enters followed by Cynthia)
Cynthia: (Presents piccolo to Tin Man) One moment. Would you oblige me with a short selection?
Tin Man: What's that?
Cynthia: A piccolo. With that one Niccolo Chopper won my heart long long ago.
Tin Man: (blows a note or two of "Niccolo's Piccolo") Is that the way it works?
Cynthia: Go on - go on.
Tin Man: I seem to have done this before. (Blows a few stray notes, then plays refrain of "Niccolo's Piccolo")
Cynthia: 'Tis he! My Niccolo!
Tin Man: Ah, it all comes back to me, now. My heart beats madly and tells me you are my former fiancee - the beauteous Cynthia, who kept the alligator counter in the department store.
Cynthia: Right! Take me to your copper fastened bosom.
(they embrace each other)
Tin Man: At last, my new heart has a chance to work.
Scarecrow: (Enters as he sees Wizard and Gyle sweeping) Sporty boys, aren't they? Going out for a brush on the speedway.
Wizard: You'd better raise a little dust yourself or you'll get into this business, too.
Tin Man: Why didn't you follow us?
Wizard: We couldn't. We met Pastoria and he invited us to a ball; and now we've got something on foot that we can't get rid of. (swings ball on chain over arm)
(Dorothy and Dash enter)
Dash: I gave them the slip in the woods on the other side of the river. Come on - the way is clear, and it's now or never.
(Soldiers enter with Pastoria and form up near bridge)
Pastoria: Aha, once more my prisoners! This time I'll take no chances. What ho! Me headsman!
(Headsman with axe, and two attendants bearing block, enter in crimson)
Pastoria: The men to the block! The women to the prison!
Dorothy: Have you no mercy?
Pastoria: I'm all out of that. May have some tomorrow; none today. Go on with the execution.
Dorothy: Can no one help us?
Scarecrow: Good bye, Dottie.
Tin Man: Good bye, little girl.
Dorothy: There's only one hope. They witch who saved us once may do so again. Locusta, aid us!
Pastoria: (To headsman) Proceed. (Attendants seize Dashemoff)
Dorothy: Locusta! Locusta!
Locusta: Halt! The child who calls me shall be answered. For her do I invoke the aid of those mysterious powers who rule this mystic clime. Mighty Galinda, ruler of Storm and Calm, grant me, thy humble servant, one more boon... spread infinite darkness over the land so that the victims of this tyrant may escape beneath its sheltering cloak; and send the spirits of the air to bear this child, my ward and charge, back to the far-off home from which they brought her.
Pastoria: What! Another cyclone? My country could never stand that. You and your companions are at liberty to depart whenever you wish.
Finale and Curtain Falls
